So, God is what I called "cray, cray" this morning. I literally prayed to Him, "Lord, you are so cray cray... insane in the membrane... In such a GOOD way." I couldn't help but go back to my early teen years when praying, because this morning's quiet time was SO amazing. An old friend who I had built barriers with (you know, those healthy "it's easier to stuff them than to talk about it and start conflict" barriers that then build walls and leave relationships feeling destroyed due to their lack of communication barriers) came over and shared with me last night. She needed someone to trust and to talk to. So she told me how in her marriage, it's just "not there" anymore and she just feels as though it's easier to give up and just take her daughter and go... my heart ached for her and what she was feeling-- all the while I was praying, "Lord, Jesus, please don't ever let me get so down about my marriage that I want to give up completely!"
After she shared with me about her marriage, she then became brutally honest with me asking me if she had done something to hurt me and why our friendship seemed so... damaged. Of course I lied and said nothing was wrong... because it's easier that way. She left feeling better that she'd had a friend to talk to about her "failing marriage" and feeling better about being honest with me... but I went inside feeling like an awful friend for STILL not being honest about why we'd drifted. So. I prayed. I prayed that God would give me the words to speak to my friend about her marriage. I asked that He would fill me with the Holy Spirit and I could give her words of wisdom for her marriage. I also prayed that he would help me get to an honest place where I could tell her the truth about our friendship.
SO- the "cray, cray" part about God? This morning, the very next page in my Lysa Terkeurst "Unglued" book was "The Stuffer Who Builds Barriers." WHAT? HA,HA,HA. That IS so ME! As I read the pages aloud to my husband, we both just sat in awe about how I fit that section to a T. I am that girl who feels as though it's easier to just avoid the conflict. Smile and say everything is just fine...even when my heart has been hurt. I'll stuff it so well and act so nice about it as I quietly go off into my own place and build a beautiful wall... a wall that eventually tears down a relationship and leaves the other person going... "Um, what happened there?" It's just easier that way... isn't it? I guess it's "easier" until it's just... not. It's toxic to my growth with God and my heart.
After that amazing conviction, I opened up my e-mail only to find today's devotion... about MARRIAGE! I was able to read it and share it this morning with my friend who is struggling. That's the crazy part. It felt like God answered my prayer SO quickly with such wonderful devotions.The title of today's devotion is called "Where More Loving Begins" and it was written by Erin Smalley. It was beautifully written and a great reminder that we cannot change anyone, including our spouse, BUT! (Aren't you ever so grateful that there is a BUT?!) God can change US. Our hearts. Let go and let Him... that's what I try so hard to do... But I'm also human (Oh, that's when I don't like the "but") and Satan gets the best of me on most days. BUT (a good but this time) I'm making imperfect progress! I'm so incredibly thankful for Proverbs 31.
So there you have it. God is CRAY-CRAY amazing. I believe, full heartedly, there's a reason that this devotion was sent to me today after my prayers last night. I'm in awe of His amazement and it never ceases to impress me that these devotions feel like they're so directly written for me.
I pray for guidance and wisdom every day, and that he will continue to show me where I can grow... and I can remember that I am anchored. I am anchored by Him. (Hebrews 6:19)
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